Learning from Attachments
It has been my experience that whenever we feel great attachment to something, be it a person, place, or thing, we form this attachment for a reason. We become attached because we are getting something from the attachment, that we do not know how to give ourselves. If being in a certain place, for example, brings us great peace, and we do not know how to find peace within ourselves, we may become attached to that place. If we allow the attachment to persist, we may become dependent upon that place to find peace. It is in this way that attachments leave us stuck, dependent upon something outside of ourselves in order to have our needs met.
If, in the previous scenario, we learn to give ourselves peace, by finding it within ourselves, the place where we found peace will still exist. It will still have all of the great qualities that drew us to it in the first place. We may even find that we still enjoy going there. We just wont need it anymore to find that peace, because we would have learned to find that within ourselves.
One common example of this type of attachment problem, is adrenaline seeking behavior. I used to struggle heavily with this myself in the past. When we are in danger, it becomes automatic to become totally present. This brings peace, connection with the true self, feelings of aliveness, etc. When I was younger, these adrenaline seeking behaviors were the main way that I found my way back to myself. I loved the feeling of the mind stilling, the total focus, the calm found within the storm of danger. These days, I learn more and more to find peace within. In doing so, peace can be found in any activity, or non-activity. In non-activity, we commonly call that meditation. I have found as well, and previously written about, turning activities that we enjoy into meditation as well.
When it comes to finding peace, whatever helps you to find it, so long as it is healthy, I encourage you, dear reader, to go to that place, or do that activity, often. Daily, if you can help it. Becoming totally present, at least 15 minutes per day, can be totally life changing. Coupled to a healthy habit, the benefits can even multiply. For example, some find presence through exercise, the physical benefits, in this case, synergize with the spiritual ones. One can find many ways to bring peace and joy into different areas of their life.
Sometimes our attachments are to people. When we grow up in a certain way, in a certain environment, we tend to learn to meet some of our needs, and we get some from others. People always need other people to some extent, as we are social creatures, but sometimes we end up needing others in an unhealthy way. This is often called dependency, or codependency, and refers to an inability to meet our own needs to such an extent that we place an unhealthy demand on others to meet our needs. In this type of situation, we must become aware of what need the person we are attached to is meeting for us. We also have to be aware of whether this need is being met in a balanced and healthy way, or an imbalanced and unhealthy way.
When we feel a very strong pull towards one of these things (or people or places etc) it is good to consider why. To be aware of the level of attachment. For each of these people, places, or things, is a teacher for us. The stronger the pull, the bigger the lesson. There is value in all of the teachers we encounter in life, even when the lessons are uncomfortable. We all meet many of these teachers, and it is best to learn from them, rather than fight the lesson, or become attached and clingy. The harder we become attached, the longer we allow the unhealthy attachment to persist, the harder the lesson becomes to learn. Yet, some teachers enter our lives long before we are able to learn the lesson, and everything unfolds in its right time.
Whatever we are attracted to tends to be a match for our current level of development. A bad habit, for example, may enter our lives in order to teach us how to handle something in a healthy way. We may use a bad habit to avoid pain, or meet a need that we don’t know any other way to meet. If we become dependent on this thing, this attraction will turn into unhealthy attachment. Then, to break the attachment, the lesson must be learned. The wise ones among us, learn to change their bad habits into healthy ones, that still meet their needs. Those lacking in wisdom, tend to form their attachments and live with them for the rest of their lives, regardless of whether they are healthy or not.
The best, and most valuable, of life’s teachers, are the ones that grow with us. The ones that teach us lessons, only for us to become a teacher for them. These teachers inspire us to be the best that we can be, and the best thing we can do for those teachers is to do the same for them.
So, dear reader, I encourage you to become aware of your attachments. Consider whether there is dependency, whether there is a lesson to be learned. Behind each of these teachers, is a great lesson, and each of these that we learn, is a step in our own growth. We need not leave people places or things that we value behind, it is enough to learn the lesson. If, after growth occurs, we need to leave something behind, we can do that. If we do not, we can simply allow that person, place, or thing to be in our lives in a healthy way. Always look for opportunities to learn, to grow, to avoid stuckness and stagnation in favor of continuous improvement and self-actualization. Also, do not forget to be kind to oneself when a lesson is hard to learn. Some lessons take some people the better part of a lifetime; it is enough to make an honest effort. Everything will happen in its right time.
