The Past Year, a Retrospective
The past year of my life has been the most up and down, most intense, most heart warming at times, and heart wrenching at others, of any that I can remember in my entire life. The journey I have taken, the things I have learned, the things I have experienced, lead me to write this today. I need to put this all into writing. Things I have learned, experienced, and done, which need to be put down while they are fresh. I chose to share this because all of it is true. I chose to share this because I have no need to hide my mistakes, or my journey. I share this because there might be people out there who need to hear it, to know that even when things get really bad, they do not have to stay that way. This story, of the past year, has a good ending.
In the early months of 2022, the degree to which my life situation and choices had broken me down was becoming impossible to ignore any longer. My health, physical and mental, was suffering greatly. I was averaging about 4.5 hrs of sleep a night most nights. My fatigue was so extreme that it had seeped into my very soul. I had become angry, irritable, overreactive, and empty inside. The panic attacks had started, but I did not want to see them for what they were.
In those days, I did not feel safe to feel anymore. When I felt emotions, it was almost always painful. I would endure my work, losing myself for a time to enjoy being busy, accomplishing something, only to have to go home again to the pain. My home life pre-November 2022 had become hell to me. All I wanted was a place of peace, to rest, recover, and be able to live my life. Rest was always denied to me, and replaced with conflict. No matter how much I did in those days, the list of things that needed to be done always piled up even faster.
My relationships, both with my wife and son, and with my friends and family, began to suffer greatly. I had begun to realize, on a deeper level, that my life was about to change. I knew, on that deeper level, that the change would be painful. I kept resisting what was right before my eyes, kept hoping that things would change for the better. Change, however, only happens when we take action. Since I would not do anything except endure my own self-destruction, the body did what the body does, and got my attention in a big way.
It was May 2022, and I was unwell. I had worked 2 of my 3 12-hour shifts for the week. On that second night, I commented to a coworker that I may call in sick the next morning, because I was bone tired and unwell. What happened that night was very unexpected to me, and marked a turning point in my journey last year. My body performed, what I like to call, a safety shutdown. Despite setting multiple alarms, including a sunrise clock to light the room at waking time, I did not wake. I slept for 10 hours straight, with no dreams, no waking, nothing. I woke to the light of dawn at a time beyond that of when I should have already been at work. I was devastated, I had failed my coworker who needed me to relieve him that morning, and I had failed myself. This had never happened to me before.
That night, after a rather embarrassing workday filled with lectures, I got on a voice chat with a now, former friend. I tried to explain to him what had happened, what was happening to me. That knowing that things were going to change. He didn’t want to listen. He didn’t want to support me. He just wanted to play games and forget it all. We got into an argument over something stupid. I got angry, as I often did in those days. I still feel that I was treated unjustly, and callously, and the best that friend could do was offer to never speak of it again. He did not apologize, and never did.
2 Days later, a Sunday, I had shifted over to nights, and was thus even more exhausted than usual. The friend I had argued with on Friday, tried to pick things up again. I tried to stand up for my right to be validated and acknowledged, and was denied. At the same time, the arguing and conflict in the home broke out again. I felt a pressure within me, of an unhealthy kind, a breaking starting to happen. I put off the conversation for later, and tried to address what was going on with the family. A short time later, a water purifier under the kitchen sink blew a gasket and a large amount of water started leaking onto the kitchen floor. My now ex-wife and son came to watch me work, but I was at a breaking point. I sent them away, outside, so I could work in peace.
I went through the process of isolating the leak, and cleaning up the mess, mechanically, as the pressure in my chest began to worsen. When I finally finished the task, and stood back up, I knew something was very wrong. The chest pain had become intense, the pressure much higher than I had felt before, and even in the state I was in, my first aid training told me that I needed medical attention. I took my blood pressure, and it was dangerously elevated, with a much too high resting pulse. I called an advice nurse, and was told to call 911. The ambulance arrived, the paramedics evaluated me, and recommended I take a ride to the emergency room. I did so. I said some brave words to my son, and then got taken into the ambulance. Despite my brave words, in my head I was thinking that I might be about to die. I found that I didn’t care.
On the ride to the hospital, I told the paramedics everything that was wrong with my life. I then apologized, but they said they were used to it, and said I was going to get help. I realize now, but did not that day, that I spoke as a man saying everything unsaid, so that if I died, at least someone would know why. I ended up admitted to the hospital. I was given nitro to get the chest pain and blood pressure down. I took a moment to message that former friend, and let him know what my situation was. The response I got was callous, an attempt to rekindle the argument. I saw how poorly my vital signs responded to my reading that message, realized that even though I might be on my death bed, all he wanted to do was argue more. I realized that he was no friend at all. I have never communicated with him again, and never will.
After all the testing, one blessing emerged in the whole situation. Since the heart attack was brought on by a panic attack, complicated by hypertension, my heart was actually undamaged. I was still young enough, and healthy enough, to not only survive, but to escape a life with a damaged heart. It was a warning sign, a blessing, and one I did not ignore.
I began to realize that I had been living in an unsustainable manner that could not continue. I realized as well that some of the people I spent the most time with treated me quite badly. I finally began to discover a shred of self-worth, and began to take action to start doing what was right for me, rather than what was right for others, for the first time in a long time.
I got into therapy, and started getting a medical basis for my medical leave of absence from work. I was open with my managers, and gave as much warning as I could about what was coming. I decided I needed to get a divorce, to get my now ex-wife out of my house, and to take whatever time was needed to get my health back in order, and change my life. By late July, I was on leave, and had notified my now ex-wife of our impending divorce. By this time, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, and had suspicions about autism. I had learned a great deal about autism as I suspected my son was on the spectrum, and the more I learned, the more I saw myself, and my childhood, in what I was learning. I also went on Adderall, to help combat the highly acute ADHD related issues I was dealing with at that time.
The matter of divorce and separation started out somewhat amicable. Things that needed to happen were discussed, what was best for our son was discussed, and a plan had been laid out. A plan that was good for me, and good for my son. This plan was to allow me to promptly get the space and time I needed to get well, get my son away from the conflict at home, and allow me to return to work to support the 3 of us. Sadly, even that late in the game, I still had not realized that I was told what I wanted to hear, and the actions were different. That’s how it always was, and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak. I finally realized that the entire relationship had been like that. Being told what I wanted to hear, and then something else entirely being reality.
As I began to catch up on sleep, start taking actions, start carving out time to introspect and reflect for the first time in a long time, I quickly realized that I had made mistakes. I realized that I had been living for my career, ignoring people, neglecting friendships, missing weddings, and more, all to try and fund a household that didn’t care about me at all. I realized that the harder I worked to try and build that old dream for my family, the less I gave to myself, and the other people I cared about. I realized that I had become a person that I did not like, did not approve of, who was setting a terrible example for his son.
By the end of August, it became clear that the home situation wasn’t changing, and that the path I had set myself on was going to be immensely painful. My lawyer quit my case, so my ex-wife ended up filing instead. I was then informed that maintaining the status quo was considered the path forward. Around this time, I found that I had lost the will to live. There was no joy in my life at that time, only pain and suffering. Finally, one day, I broke down to the point that I decided to get into my car, go for a drive, get away from the home drama, and decide whether I would see the next day or not. Driving has always been therapeutic for me. After several hours, I had decided to at least talk to my therapist. She got me scheduled for an emergency appointment the next morning. That became my reason to survive that night.
That same evening, I had an epiphany. I realized that I had been living in the same situation that got me into that mess to begin with. I realized that I still wasn’t taking care of myself. I realized that no one else was going to do that for me. I realized that I had plenty of money, and while more wasn’t coming in at a comfortable rate, I realized that my health and happiness were more important than my bank account balance. I made plans to go on a trip, to get some peace and solitude, get back out into nature, and start finding myself again. I met with my therapist the next morning, discussed what I had realized, and she was greatly encouraged. I had found a reason to keep going, and had realized that no one was going to help me, unless I helped myself. I realized that I COULD help myself.
I took a trip to Portland, to see some friends, and shortly thereafter, took a trip to the Olympic Peninsula, where I stayed at an Airbnb stuffed into the woods. I was working on my Lifebook, setting out my long-term goals, and vision for my life, a life without my ex-wife, a life that was for me, by me. I found some old dreams, both literally and figuratively, returning. Some things I had not thought about in many years. It was on this trip that I reconnected with nature again in a big way. It was on this trip that I first felt a spiritual fire intruding upon the emptiness that had taken up residence in my heart. It was on this trip that, while I did Lifebook, looking towards a better future, I also started to realize the great mistakes of my past. A deep appreciation for nature, and its healing powers set in. A deep regret, for things I had done, and more importantly, things I had not done, also set in.
Shortly after that trip, spirituality came into my awareness in a big way. I had begun to be interested in spirituality as far back as late 2019, but by early 2021, had lost it almost entirely. I was introduced to authors like Eckhart Tolle, and Michael Singer. In late September, as I went to another trip, this time to Portland, to go to Silver Falls and a few other places, I had the most powerful spiritual experience I had in my life up to that point. I realized a state of no-mind, and non-reactiveness, that I did not believe was possible prior to experiencing it. I was disidentified with the mental narrative that had defined me for most of my life. I was able to talk to anyone I came across, conflict free, while I experienced true peace for the first time in my life. It started the day before I left. My son and I were at a park, going for a walk in the trees. He became tired, and wanted me to carry him back to the car. My mental narrative, my mind-identified self, said that I needed to put some backbone into him, give him a short break, and then get him on his feet again. I told myself that that was what a Dad would do. I was identified with the concept of fatherhood as I understood it mentally, rather than being present in the act of being a father.
After giving him a break, I went to set him down again, and he cried out, “Daddy, No!” My heart opened as I looked into his eyes, as I felt the love for him that has been there since I held him in my arms the first time, the day he was born. I had looked into his eyes, known him for my son, and known that I would always love him. The hardness around my heart softened, and I became present, and continued to hold him. I simply stopped thinking about what I should do, and instead did what needed to be done, in that moment. I teared up a little, spoke soothingly to him, and agreed to give him a ride back to the car. I realized that I had almost allowed a conceptual understanding of what I thought fatherhood was, to lead me to a bad choice.
The state of no mind that started that day, became a part of my life to a varying degree since. That state of being present, of transcending the mind and its patterns, became the single most powerful aspect for change that I have ever discovered or experienced. This is the state people speak of when describing meditation. I found that day, that it could be experienced at any time, anywhere, as long as my awareness was high enough. I discovered that love, true love, can do more to raise awareness than anything else. It was my love for my son that allowed me to break free of the prison of my mind in a more whole and profound way than I ever had in my adult life. There had been moments, in my teenage years, and early adulthood like this, but it had only occurred while in the presence of a couple of specific people. I didn’t understand those experiences back then, and had no idea how to recreate them while alone (outside of meditation) until what happened at the park that day. I chose to reach out to those people at this time, but lacked the courage to tell them what they meant to me until months later.
After returning from that trip, the level of verbal conflict in the home had risen to wildly toxic levels. My mental state began to worsen again, and I lost that state of no mind again, drawn into my damaging mental narratives about myself again. Months had passed, with no sign of the situation at home improving. My son was doing very badly at this point, despite the fact that he had gotten into play-therapy, and I knew something had to be done, both for his sake, and mine. So it was that I decided to vacate my home, packed my things into the car, and prepared to set off. I took the time to finally read my son a book, recommended by his play-therapist, about divorce. Explained to him that what happened in the story was also happening to his mother and father. Explained that the three of us would not be living together anymore. He took it hard, as expected. Telling him all of this, and hearing his response to what was unfolding clearly broke his heart, and mine along with it. I had to do what I needed to do for me. I had to survive, to change my life situation so that I could actually start improving, instead of going on trips, getting better, only to slip back into a worse place when I returned. I realized that Dean needed to have a Dad as he grew up, more than he needed Dad that day or the next. The suicidal thoughts had returned, so the matter had become one of life and death at that point.
When I set off that day, I didn’t know where I was going. I ended up in a local hotel. That night, I decided I would head east that next day, and go see a national park I had driven past many years ago and wanted to see, but never visited: Zion National Park. I met with my therapist, told her what had transpired, and then set off. Hours into the drive, I realized that all the time I had lived in Pocatello ID, I had wanted to go and see Yellowstone. I was there from 2015 to 2017, only a few short hours away, but had never gone. I realized as well that I had not seen my advising professor from Idaho State since I graduated. I ended up in Pocatello that first night. I had the chance to talk to my professor for a couple of hours the next day, and the conversation was both pleasant and encouraging. I reached West Yellowstone that night. Weather reports had come in that there was to be a huge snowstorm the day after the following, so I only booked the hotel for 2 nights.
My first day in Yellowstone is best described by looking at the album in my photo gallery. It was awe inspiring, and I found my peace again as I went from point of interest to point of interest through the park. I saw as much as I could that first day, and photographed it all.
The next morning the snow started coming down hard. I decided to get on the road early, and go to Zion after all. I figured it was far enough south that I would escape the snowstorm. By the time I got into Utah, I had gotten ahead of it, but when I stopped for dinner in Salt Lake City, it caught up to me shortly thereafter. I spent the rest of the night driving in a snowstorm with almost no visibility until I reached my hotel. On the drive, I continued listening to the audiobook, “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. The drive itself became my spiritual practice. I had begun to use the inner body awareness technique to stay more present, more in my body, more aware of my inner state. I had some powerful experiences on that trip. Zion was, of course, beautiful. I didn’t get to see everything I wanted to see there, nor at Yellowstone. Guess I will need to go back to both someday.
While at Zion, another inconvenient reality came into my awareness. My original 12 weeks of WA state paid medical leave was over, and getting into my LTD benefits was going to be a lengthy process. I had been spending money at an alarming rate due to the need to get away from the home. I had to face the reality that I might have to start scaling back on my travel plans.
On the return trip, heading back home to go to my son’s appointment to get him referred to an autism specialist, I had another big moment. Using Eckhart Tolle’s methodology, I became aware of a great deal of repressed emotion that I had been carrying in my body for years. Everything I had ran away from, repressed, denied, disowned, was all there, just below the surface. After I became aware of this, the block melted away, and all of that repressed emotion hit me like a semi-truck. I cried and cried, as the weight of it all set in. All the guilt, regret, and pain that I had not addressed before.
After experiencing it all, rather than resisting it, I found myself at peace again. I found that by experiencing what I needed to experience, I could move on from it. I found that I had been acting out many damaging behavioral patterns, all in an attempt to avoid feeling this pain. I found that feeling the pain was a small price to pay for my peace. A price I would pay willingly to avoid living like a zombie, as I had been doing for years. This moment, and others like it, paved the way for the blog entry “A Life of Color” although other painful moments had to be experienced before I was ready to write that.
When I returned home, I found that my ex-wife was finally moving out. Just a few days after I returned. It was the best news I had heard since going on leave. I agreed to help, since her leaving was in my interests as well. Unfortunately, my coming into awareness of my emotions again lead to more realizations, and by that weekend, I was in a bad way again. I realized, as my ex-wife was moving out, that I had been engaged in many behavioral patterns that were hurting me. Some had started recently; many had been there for most of my life. I started letting go of some things, getting intentional about the behaviors in question. This turned out to be very painful, while also being very necessary. It was around this time that I first considered withdrawing from social media.
After I found myself living alone, for the first time in my life, many feelings came up, many things to be thought about and felt. I was also very lonely, grateful to be away from the toxic situation I had been living in, but also feeling a void. I tried to reach out to old friends, and even tried to make new ones. Over the course of November and December, I went on one last big trip, to Lake Tahoe, started my website, started writing blogs, and started taking the time to make sure everyone I knew, knew what they meant to me, if they didn’t know already. I did not realize it at the time, but I was getting my last hurrah in the form of that trip, and I was telling everyone these things, all the stuff I had left unsaid, because I was preparing to die.
Social media had become a huge problem by December. I had spent Thanksgiving alone, which turned out to be incredibly painful. I turned to social media, to see everyone else having a happy time. I was happy for them, while also feeling the pain of my own situation amplified by the comparison. I again began to contemplate getting off of social media, but continued putting it off. I was enjoying my conversations with a few people, and was still hooked on living vicariously through other people as a salve to my own loneliness.
By the end of December, I had destroyed most of my budding new friendships, and continued feeling worse and worse about my own situation. I wanted to keep being happy for everyone, but found instead that I was growing in despair over my own life situation. Getting diagnosed with Autism, realizing the impact that being undiagnosed had had on me and the people around me, was crushing. Everything made more sense, my life had a new context, and yet so much had been lost. It was both extremely validating, and also traumatic. I lost my spiritual practice somewhat, and my peace fled with it. Adderall had been causing me some other problems during this time, so I worked to get off of it as well, which only exacerbated the problems I had brewing below the surface, causing them to spill over into my interactions with others. By the time the new year rolled around, I made my exit from social media. I didn’t realize this at the time, but again, subconsciously, I was preparing to die. Everything I had said about why I was leaving was true, yet also incomplete. I knew, subconsciously, that the process of leaving would go more easily if I stayed away from everyone.
In early January, I tried to go back to work, but quickly found that I wasn’t up for it yet. I became highly suicidal, unable to work, unable to get on disability, money going fast, and in complete solitude. I reached a state of total despair. While in these depths, driven by loneliness, I managed to meet a local group of highly supportive spiritually inclined people. These people began to help me, support me in the ways that they could, and I strived to return the favor. I started attending meetings of this group, and found that my contribution was appreciated. To my surprise, there were new people out there who actually seemed to want me around. I eventually accepted my situation for what it was, and decided not to end it all without at least giving a new life a chance.
By early February, I was back at the workplace, trying to get my job back. I was not doing well, and still having some bad days, but the money was gone, and I had too much time to think. I was rejected. I was determined unfit to resume my previous job, especially in light of the disability accommodations I was entitled to as a person with ADHD and Autism. I tried to use this denial to get on disability again, only to be rejected again. I went through another short period of despair, then got back on my feet again.
By this time, in February, I had reached an important point in my journey back to health. I had begun to realize that, every time something went wrong, every time I was beaten down, I was able to get back up again. I began to see a new context around the events of the past year. I stopped seeing victimhood, and started seeing strength. You can see snapshots of when I was doing good, or doing bad, in my blogs from this time. I started actually living the spiritual practices I had started delving into. Living in the moment, being present. Using the state of no-mind to interrupt mind activity that did not serve me. Reframing and changing the mental narrative, intentionally. Using that deep inner peace, to ground myself beneath the emotions and reactivity. Being intentional about what I was doing, and my inner state. I spent the entire latter half of the month of February sick with a respiratory illness. I saw no one, and didn’t even leave my property, for almost 2 weeks. Missed a weekend with my son as well during that time. It was there, completely unwell, broken down, that I realized that the practices I was using worked whether I was well or not. I found, in that place of sickness, a will to live, even if I had to live alone. I found that while it was painful to be so unwell, and have no one around to care for me, that I was worth going on for. I finally accepted that I did not need to be surrounded by other people all the time to have a life worth living.
By sometime in March, I had accepted my new job position. I had reached a point where I had a tool kit from psychological practices and spiritual ones, that allowed me to cope with myself, and my life. I had regained the confidence that I was capable of not only going on with my life, but having a life worth living as well. I reached a point in my development of awareness that I was able to interrupt my old patterns, if not instantly, a short time thereafter when they began to assert themselves. I began to realize my own worth, my own value, not as a concept, but as an experience. I found myself more and more willing and able to share my opinions with people, not just in my blog, but in person or online as well. In addition to the local community I had joined, I also joined an online community of people who supported each other, and had an awareness around mental health, spirituality, and the social challenges of our time. I found my participation in this community very fulfilling as well. I felt in both of these communities a sense of contribution. I realized that my experiences in my life leading up to this point places me in a position to help others, as I was helped along my journey.
Now, nearing the end of April, I am back to work. My new job is much less stressful than the old one. I have my own office, and the ability to shut out distractions when I need to focus. I still get to see people, and have social interactions, but also the ability to retreat into my office when I need some space. I still get to contribute, and make a living, but in a way that is sustainable and works for me. I am now on a stable dayshift schedule, 4 10s, and no longer have to deal with the fatigue that comes from rotating shift work. I find that my ability to stay present, and control my own mind, enhances my ability at work, in addition to my life outside of it. Between work, my weekends with my son, and caring for my property, I don’t have the ability to go on grand adventures right now, but that is okay. I enjoy the simple things, like a good book, a good song, a nice walk, a sunset, a flower, a meal, a video, etc. My vacation time balance will build up; more adventures will be had in their time. My financial problems are not instantly solved, but they can now be addressed. Now that I am whole within myself, and back into a stable life situation, all of these problems are solvable. Life is still enjoyed in the meantime.
I want to summarize a few learnings now, after going through that whole story. Firstly, do not accept poor treatment from other people. If someone you know mistreats you, has no remorse for their actions, and takes no responsibility for them, they do not need to be in your life. Actions speak louder than words. Know your own worth, have some love for yourself, balance the needs of others with your own needs. Raise your awareness, and be willing to direct that awareness within. Identify patterns in your life that are not serving you, and do away with them. Find new behaviors that improve your life and relationships, and practice those. Be your own best friend, your own advocate, care about others, but balance this with your own needs. Be gracious with yourself when you make mistakes. See the lessons in all the happenings of your life. Learn from the past, but do not remain stuck in it. Plan for the future, but not at the expense of your peace and your present. Treat other people the way that you want to be treated. Be grateful for what you have, lest you lose it. Be grateful for the supportive people in your life, there is no greater blessing than someone who will go to bat for you when life gets hard.
I want to thank each and every person who has supported me during the past year. Whatever form or fashion it came in, it was appreciated. Some helped financially, some listened, some talked, some texted, some spent quality time with me. Some of you were family, some new friends, some old friends, and some associates. I do not exaggerate when I say that you all are a big part of why I am still here today. In early to mid-January, when I wanted to die, it was knowing how many people cared that allowed me to get past that time alive and whole. If I had been able to convince myself that no one cared anymore, I would not be here writing this. When I was at my lowest, I found myself unable to do it because I could not stomach the possibility that any of you would blame yourself. It was my unwillingness to hurt others that saved me. Now, I do not want to hurt myself, any more than I wanted to hurt anyone else. Now, I love myself, as I love all of you. I see a future where before I saw only endings and pain. I could not have done it without you all. Nor could I have done it without the work I did myself.
To anyone going through hard times themselves, no matter what the nature of that hard time is, know that you are worth it. Know that you are worthy of continuing, worthy of happiness, worthy to love and be loved in return. Know that you are never truly alone, and that help is always out there if you ask for it. I say this from experience, no matter how much you want to end it all on a given day, you will look back and be glad that you did not. If you do the work, your life will get better. If you do the work, your inner state will become predominantly happy, peaceful, and joyous again. These things are your birthright, you need not suffer the rest of your life. Pain will come and go, but suffering is optional. The past does not determine the future, the quality of what you do now does.
To anyone who read all the way to this point, thank you for your time and attention. Thank you for hearing my story, and my learnings. I hope that something that I have written, whether this or another post, has helped you in some way. I wish you health and happiness, and hope for the best for you.
