The Power of Authenticity
One of the most important single realizations I have made about my life, is that authenticity is a superpower. It is really easy, going through life, to tell people what they want to hear. To avoid conflict, to not question the way something is, is often the path of least resistance. Growing up as a people pleaser, I often felt that my “job in life” was to figure out what other people wanted, and give them that. As a result, I rarely actually asked people what they wanted. In addition, I often suppressed my true self, my needs, and my desires, out of a sense of duty towards meeting the needs of others, as I perceived them.
The problem with living this way, hiding behind an agreeable mask, is that nothing you ever do feels rewarding. Your self-worth is completely destroyed. When something goes well between you and other people, you know deep down that it went well because you denied and disowned yourself on behalf of others, and thus it is an empty experience. Nothing real was valued. When things go badly, when you have this problem, you tend to assume that you just didn’t do a good enough job figuring out what other people needed, and thus you are the problem. With such a dysfunctional attitude towards life, its no wonder that high masking people pleasers tend to eventually find their life devoid of all meaning and unrewarding.
Slowly, over the years, I had experiences in which I acted authentically, rather than in the way I used to. Most times, this actually had a positive outcome for me, and for the people I was with. In the workplace, I learned to value my own viewpoint and opinion towards professional matters, and became someone who added value to their team as a result. I was able to reach upwards towards leadership positions, and found some success doing this. In an interpersonal sense, I also met people from time to time and acted authentically towards them as well. These encounters actually felt rewarding to me, because when they went well, it was real, and when it went poorly, it was real.
In recent times, I have found travelling to be extremely liberating in this regard. I frequently find myself conversing with strangers, and finding them opening up to me and telling me their life story. I respond to them, authentically me, two people just having a positive experience together. There is nothing riding on such encounters, I know as well as they do that we will never see each other again. As it turns out, having nothing to lose is the key to being authentic.
Among people that I know, people I am invested in, this still works as well. What I have had to figure out, is that expectation is the problem. If I am very attached to the outcome of an interaction between two people, I feel compelled to act inauthentically towards them. Somewhat paradoxically, this usually results in a bad outcome. People can naturally sense bullshit being directed toward them, even if they can’t figure out exactly what or why.
As I continue to interact with people going forward, I simply recognize that not everyone is going to like who I really am. That is okay. I also recognize that when I am authentic, I tend to stir up peoples feeling and talk about uncomfortable things. That is okay too. I have reached a place of self-acceptance, and with that, a willingness to let the people who want me in their life to have me, and a willingness to let those who only wanted my false persona to find the door. When I am real, and someone wants me to be a part of my life, that is real. That feels like acceptance. That has value. The only way to ever experience that, is to be willing to be real. The best part is, when you are authentic, and receive acceptance from others, it becomes totally natural to return that acceptance back to them. This inspires other people to be themselves too, which is a beautiful thing.
Being real really is all its cracked up to be.
