Faith/Hopelessness
Since the turn of the year, I can honestly state that nothing has gone to plan. Every time I think that things can’t get any worse, I am proven wrong. Some days, I find myself in the depths of hopelessness, to the point that I find it hard to even care whether anything gets better or not. I find that hope, as a phenomenon, has failed me. Everything I have ever accomplished in my life has been driven by the hope for something bigger than what I did. I have never accomplished that which I sought to, only gotten to some step along the way. I can honestly state that everything I hoped for in my younger years either ended in failure, or tuned out to not be what I wanted anyways.
The only thing that keeps me going these days is faith. Faith that everything that happens in my life is somehow going to serve a purpose. A lesson, a needed experience, a pathway to personal growth and development, setting the stage for something better, anything I can hold on to. I keep this faith in order to see each new depth of despair as a step towards something worth reaching. I do not know what it is that I am headed for anymore, and I honestly do not care. I know only that I have been convinced that I am still here for a purpose, and that purpose will not come to pass unless I keep going. Unless I keep faith that it will all be worth it in the end; that it will all make sense in reflection when the time comes.
Some days, it is easy to contextualize everything in a way that seems to serve my highest good. Every loss, every failure, every rejection, all seems to be paving the way to something better. Other days, the hopelessness and despair creep back in, and I fall back doggedly on transcendentalism to quiet the mind before I experience another panic attack, or worse. These bad days, of course, are always the lonely ones, the ones where nothing is accomplished, and nothing is gained.
I have always been able to find my strength, my presence, my best self if you want to call it that, in the service of others. Whether it is being part of a team at work, a friend, a partner, a parent, part of a support group, or anything else like that, the version of me that I like best seems to emerge almost without effort in that type of context. I do need a lot of alone time, and I can struggle when socially overwhelmed, but the fact remains that without other people in my life, my life feels somewhat empty. Neither extreme, too much social contact, or too much alone time, seems to be healthy for me.
Sometimes I feel that my need to be in service of others is some kind of personal failing, something that needs to be fixed. Then I go learn about basic human needs. One of them is contribution. It actually isn’t reasonable to expect a person to be at their best when their need for contribution isn’t being met. As is often the case, I need to show myself some grace and stop expecting me to be at my best when I am not getting what I need. It is okay to need to contribute in a meaningful way to be at my best.
I realize that some people are just like that. They do their best in the service of others. They are often greatly appreciated for what they do as well. On the occasions that I do get to act in the service of others these days, I am usually thanked for it. I don’t know if they realize it, but sometimes their thanks are the high point of my week, or even my month. When I get the chance, I can see how what I do positively impacts other people, and that makes it all worth it to me. I have had days where I question why I am even here, only to find myself saying something to someone that they found so profound that they take the time to thank me for what I told them, or shared with them. It is the moments like that where it all feels worth it.
Having a positive impact on other people’s lives is clearly a part of my purpose. I find nothing else more meaningful to me these days. When I sit down with a group of people, ready to hold space for them, and support them however they need, I feel more present and alive than at almost any other time. This is why I keep the faith. This is how I move forward from hopelessness and despair. I may not know exactly what my purpose is yet, but I know this much, and for now, that is enough.
